I am angry, hurt, and exhausted

I have to admit that I am angry, hurt, and exhausted.

Today is my 28th anniversary. The sad truth is that for the first time ever, I forgot my anniversary. When I was walking out the door to spend the day in my office and studio to try and catch up with some work my wife said, “Happy Anniversary” and handed me a gift. I felt terrible.

Thankfully, she is understanding. She, herself, is very busy. Plus, she has seen me fighting through the fog induced by COVID and American politics. 2019 was a very hard year for my family, privately, and 2020 has, very publicly, been a hard year for the nation and world. Also, I have worked hard over the last 28 years to not be “that husband.” You know the one who always forgets every anniversary and shows no care. So today, my wife grants me grace. I am thankful.

Shortly after I left the house, she posted to social media about the media calling the election for Biden and how that is a great anniversary present. She is right. I should feel better. I don’t.

I’m Angry

I actually intentionally put off grading some tests this week because they were mostly essay answers and I didn’t think it was fair for me to be grading them when I was so angry. I find the fact that we even got to this point to be very disturbing. While Biden is having a historic victory with more ballots cast with his name on them and for anyone else in history and likely a significant electoral college victory, it is still troubling how close this was. After four years of incompetence and hate, more people voted for Trump than had voted for any president prior to this year.

Trump has essentially given up on fighting a pandemic which has claimed almost a quarter of a million American lives. Rather than Americans being grieved by this devastating national loss, they are concerned about mask mandates.

I spent the summer demonstrating for a confederate monument to hate to be moved to a museum. We lost, at least for now, and our opponents were largely Trump flag-waving folks, often shouting hate.

My county went 77% for Trump. But, it is more than that. On election day, there were people on a busy intersection corner waving Trump flags. I’ve never seen this kind of devotion to a president in my life, and the president who has inspired it is the vilest president of my life.

When I went to bed Tuesday night I thought there was a good chance Trump would serve a second term. By Wednesday morning, I believed that he wouldn’t. But, I was still angry. It was still incomprehensible to me the type of support he has. Four years ago was heartbreaking. But, at least people could say they weren’t 100% sure about how bad his character is. Today they can’t.

Despite today’s powerful, historic victory, we still have to contend with the reality that about 70 million people cast a vote which was either explicitly for hate or at the very least didn’t mind the hate all that much.

Oh, and I see all over social media, even from people I know that this victory is illegitimate. There is no evidence of this, but Trump is amplifying the idea… let’s be real… he started the idea even before a single vote was cast. We have a would-be dictator who essentially says, “this election is only legitimate if I win,” and 70 million Americans think, “that’s my guy.”

Yes. I am still angry.

I’m Hurt

I grew up in the Church. Some of my earliest memories are in Church. We were there pretty much every time the doors opened not because of some legalistic rule but because it was the center of our lives.

I’ve led youth groups, I’ve taught Sunday school. I’ve taught small groups. I have taught at four different religious institutions, three of them evangelical. My artwork is based on my faith. My scholarship is grounded in my faith. There is no way for me to separate my faith from my personal or professional life. It is, in a very real sense, who I am.

And still, I can barely even recognize my faith tradition. The forms of worship are the same but the tenor and spirit have eroded. I see pastors who preach love and scriptural fidelity on Sunday mornings spreading falsehoods and hate on social media. I have a former pastor who I respected, I spent seven years under his teaching, but I could not attend his church today. He was incredibly gospel-focused at the time. But, while he may not have fully lost the plot it is certainly shrouded through a vail of MAGAism.

I’ve seen a deacon at the church I was raised in, the son of my Mom’s best friend, argue, at a prayer breakfast, for tough love, by which he meant a conception of love which was in no way related to the love illuminated in Scripture. A love that is patient, kind, humble, content, civil, selfless, cheerful, even-tempered, forgiving, truth-loving. A love that protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres. That is the love I was taught in the small country Baptist church in which I was raised and baptized. That is the love I was taught in the Manhattan church I attended. That is the love I see in scripture and in the life of my savior. But, that is not the love I see proclaimed by the vast majority of the visible church today.

I realized in a conversation with a previous pastor that he believed and taught a gospel-based on the judgment of God while I believe in a gospel-based on the grace of God. I believe in a God who came to seek and to find because he loves us. I believe in a Christ who came to save not condemn because we are already living in condemnation and that is not what he wants for those he loves, his joint-heirs.

I am heartbroken

I was taught to honor scripture and I have what in theology is called a high view of scripture. I believe it is true. I believe it is God speaking to us through the authors he inspired. I do not believe it is riddled with errors nor anachronistic. I believe it shares with us God’s heart, God’s priorities.

These are things I was taught and which I still believe. I hold a conservative hermeneutic and for the life of me, I cannot see how my brothers and sisters who claim to hold a similar hermeneutic come to the conclusions they do.

Evangelicalism, and conservative Catholicism, today seems to be dominated by opposition to abortion and same-sex marriage, both of which existed in Biblical times. But, they, at most, are mentioned in seven scriptural passages. At the same time, scripture is replete with passages about love, gentleness, honesty, humility, generosity, forgiveness, faithfulness, and caring for others. But, evangelicals have exchanged the greater part of scripture to focus on the lesser part. It isn’t just that we can’t see the forest through the trees. We are only willing to look at a couple of spindly trees while ignoring the grand sequoias of scripture standing next to them or the deep roots of the ancient oaks of the Christian faith.

I remember the heartbreak of watching the news as 81% of evangelicals vote for a thrice-married, adulterous, casino owning, strip club owning, mammon devoted, confessed perpetrator of sexual assault. I remember the turning pit in my stomach when I sat in church five days later knowing that most around me had voted for this man.

But still, maybe they made a mistake. Maybe they were so caught up in their hate for Hillary Clinton or their fears about abortion and same-sex marriage that they would come to their senses after watching his failed leadership, moral bankruptcy, and transparent dishonesty for four years. It seems not. All indications are that evangelicals supported Trump at about the same rate. The most encouraging reports have evangelical support for Trump down to the high 70s, about what it was for Bush Jr. But, other polls have it at a consistent 81%.

Evangelicals saw four years of hate and bigotry and either liked it or felt this abuse of others was ok if it got them what they wanted.

I feel lied to

I was raised to believe that the church was the moral soul of this nation. The argument has often been made that if, as a nation, we are going to return to our lost morality of yesteryear it will be the church that leads the way.

It is tragically true that this nostalgia for America past forgets, or doesn’t care, about slavery, Jim Crow, lynchings of Blacks and Hispanics, Japanese internment, the Chinese Exclusion Act, native American genocide, the Trail of Tears, abuses of women, and children. This nostalgia forgets the least of these. Christ said that what we do to them we are doing to Him. So, in reality, we should feel shame not pride for much of our past.

But, the rhetoric I have heard raised issues like same-sex marriage and abortion to the level of an unprecedented moral crisis. If that is true evangelicals are the most lackadaisical moral crusaders in history. Look at the way the Black Lives Matter movement took to the streets over the unjust deaths of a comparably small number of people. Or, go back a decade to the moral outrage of the Occupy Wall Street crowd over income inequality. If evangelicals truly believed that abortion is murdering tens of millions of people there is no reason we should not be out protesting day and night. Sure there are the occasional protests and walks for life but little more.

There have been somewhere around 60 million abortions in the United States since Roe v. Wade. Given evangelical arguments, that is ten times the amount of murders of babies than Jews killed by Hitler. Yet, almost all evangelicals spend more time vacationing than protesting.

The proof I was lied to

It isn’t just the fact that evangelicals show little to no outrage over Right-to-Life issues after a baby leaves the womb. It isn’t just that evangelicals seem to use a faux moral outrage about abortion to justify their selfish voting. It is that we are openly hypocritical.

Tennessee is the most evangelical state in the country. The Congressman from my district is Scott DesJarlais. He just defeated pro-life Democrat Christoper Hale two votes to one. Here is the thing though, DesJarlais is a Doctor who had affairs with his patients and PAID for an abortion for his mistress. He may say, “pro-life.” But, when push came to shove he shelled out the greenbacks to protect his comfort over the life of that child. He did the opposite of what all these evangelicals who voted for him say is moral. Yet, they still vote for him.

I’ve seen this in my personal life too. I know people who are adamantly anti-abortion both before and after they have an abortion or help someone else get an abortion simply because it made their life easier.

I saw an article this week that cited a study that showed quantitative support for the qualitative observations I have made over the years. This study, from 2016, quantified the top 15issues of importance for White Evangelicals. They are:

  1. National Security
  2. Government Corruption
  3. Social Security
  4. Health Care
  5. Jobs
  6. Taxes
  7. Budget Deficit
  8. Immigration
  9. Crime
  10. Defense Spending
  11. Abortion
  12. Gun Control
  13. Race Relations
  14. Environment
  15. Gay Marriage

I am not saying any of these concerns aren’t legitimate. But what I am saying is that the rhetoric that evangelical votes are centered on the moral issues of abortion and gay marriage is not the reality. For example, evangelicals care more about immigration (keeping them out) than abortion. They care more about race relations than about gay marriage. If that is true, judging by the evangelical response to the BLM movement, they actually care very little about gay marriage.

The reality is that abortion and gay marriage are not driving the evangelical vote. They are a cover. When deeply religious challengers bring up the inconsistency of the policies held by Trump or a number of other candidates they simply wave their magic abortion wand and feel as if they have claimed the moral high ground. They voted for Trump because of what they think he will do for them, not because of how they felt he would help others, especially not the most vulnerable.

I am exhausted

I came to work today to get things done. But, I am still struggling to concentrate. I’ve spent more time on the catharsis of writing than on grading, or researching art, or working in the studio.

I should feel happy. I should be cheering in the streets like they are in Philadelphia and New York or any number of other cities. But, I live in a small Southern town so I might be out there alone.

More importantly, though, I don’t feel like cheering.  Biden wasn’t my first choice. He wasn’t my second. To be honest, he was well down the list. So for me, this wasn’t an election about moving our country forward. We had driven off the road and were stuck in the mud. This was an election about just getting back on the road. It was an election about choosing decency over depravity. It was about basic humanity and empathy. It still took four days to decide. It was that close.

Basic decency barely held off the worst parts of our nature. That is depressing.

There are loud voices, including Trump’s, claiming that this isn’t done and, defying all evidence, they claim that it was rigged. The peaceful transfer of power is in question. That is depressing.

When I go to the store three-quarters of my fellow shoppers, in this deeply religious town, chose brokenness over healing. That is depressing.

We are so far from where we need to be. I’m not talking about nuances. I am talking about basic right and wrong. That is depressing.

But, so many don’t see it. So many religious people don’t see it. And I don’t know how to show it to them. How do you teach a nation to recognize good and reject evil? On social media this week, I told an acquaintance, “if you can’t see this I don’t know if I can explain to you why orange is orange.” That is how I feel. I don’t know how to explain that right is right. I don’t know how to explain that wrong is wrong. I don’t know how to explain that orange is orange. The idea of that is exhausting. The idea that I may spend the rest of my life involved in those conversations is exhausting.

The Will & Rightness

Maybe I should add a little explanation to this point since I am a professor.

The reality is that I do know how to teach these things. I just don’t know how to teach them to someone who doesn’t want to learn.

About a decade ago, I started saying, “Belief is a function of the will.” No one will ever come to believe that which they are committed to not believing. Around the same time, I had a student say, “You can’t hold a conversation with someone who thinks everything they do is right.”

There is no way to teach a person who has no desire to know anything different and who thinks they are 100% right. It can’t be done. But, that is the world we live in. Facts are suspect. Fact-checkers and experts are the least trusted people from some groups. What they know to be right and true is self-evidently right and true and there is no way to change that.

A City on a Hill?

In the Sermon on the Mount, just after the Beatitudes, Jesus uses two analogies to refer to believers- Salt and Light.

Salt is a mineral that both preserves and brings out the flavor. That is what the church should do for the broader culture.

Christ says we are also the light of the world comparing us to a city set on a hill that cannot be hidden. We are to let our light shine so that the world can see our good works and via our light, see Christ’s light.

Are we doing that? Are we preserving, flavoring, illuminating the world?

In this election where we had a choice between decency and brokenness, the church chose brokenness and the world saw. They saw when we made that choice four years ago and saw again when we doubled down on it.

I know too many people who refuse to go to church or raise their children in church because they believe in Truth, Goodness, and Love. They believe in the things that should draw them to God and because of that, they are repulsed by the Church. We are not a city on the hill, a beacon of hope to the world. We are a dumpster fire in the back alley. Something respectable people know they shouldn’t relish in watching but which is too disturbingly compelling to turn away.

Christ said, “if salt has lost its taste, how shall its saltiness be restored? It is no longer good for anything except to be thrown out and trampled under people’s feet.” I lived in NYC for seven years. I always appreciated the salt that was thrown on the icy sidewalks. It kept me from slipping and hurting myself. By dissolving into nothingness it kept me safe.

Another one of my sayings is, “The Church is not the Church.” By that, I mean that the visible church that we see is not the Ecclesia, the Church which is called by Christ. The visible Church has certainly lost its savor and is only now useful when tossed out.

The Ecclesia, the Church called by Christ, is still the light, the city on the hill. We need now, more than ever, to let our light shine as a beacon to the God of love. The God who sacrificed himself for us. The God who called us to care for the least of these. The God, our father in heaven, who receives glory through our good works, not through our power, cultural influence, and political machinations.

I am angry, hurt, and exhausted. But, I know that God is good, all the time, even when the clanging symbols and noisy gongs who loudly proclaim His name profoundly demonstrate that they have no love. Love endures, perseveres through every circumstance. Father forgive us for we do not know what we do.



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  • Rebekah Melcher says:

    Thank you for writing this! Glad I saw it before you took it off the Rabbit Room. I celebrated this morning but I also still have all of these feelings you shared hanging out in my heart. Today, I breath easier, tomorrow I’ll grapple with the hurt.

    • Thank you. I am sad that the Rabbit Room is so adverse to some of the more challenging subjects. The arts without dealing with the challenging subjects just aren’t the arts.

  • I also saw you post on the Rabbit Room facebook page. I didn’t have time to read it so I screen shot the post so I could look it up later. I am so glad I did. I empathize with you completely. My wife and I have felt everything you have mentioned. We were just talking about how we feel we cannot celebrate because most of our friends are evangelicals and are vocal Trump supporters. I am a devout follower of Jesus. I now call myself a fundamental liberal! It felt good to release myself from the bondage I had been in. Here’s how I look at the last 4 years and this election…
    I listened to a podcast ( The Holy Post) yesterday and had something I’ve been thinking put into words for me. People have said the 2016 election was a fluke. Republicans just held their nose and stepped to the voting booth and voted their party. This election season has proven that wrong. The election itself (somewhere between 2 and 3 million votes separating them…not much!) has shown how divided we are and how unwilling both sides are to compromise. It has shown me that the Republican party actually likes Trump. They did not plug their nose but rather stepped in to the booth and took a deep whiff. I look at it like this: I come across as a fairly peaceful, pacifistic type of guy. Guess what I love to watch? Mixed Martial Arts fights! I wish I was fit enough to take a flying knee to my belly and laugh it off and ask if that’s all they have. I would like to have the power to send 200+ pounds of flesh flying across the floor with a punch. I never have and never will punch anyone, but yet I waste my time watching this stuff in admiration. Thats what I think people are doing with Trump. They say they would never behave the way he does, say things the way he does, etc, but they kind of wish they could. So they vote for a man who does and by example gives them permission to do the same. God bless you Rondall. May God grant you rest and peace and may your voice be used to bring Him glory and make Him known.

  • “If evangelicals truly believed that abortion is murdering tens of millions of people there is no reason we should not be out protesting day or night.”

    Two questions:
    1. Do you believe abortion is*not* murder?
    2. If you can see that people should go to great lengths to end abortion, such as protesting day and night and not vacationing, can you also see how they might vote for a politician whose policies trend pro-life?

    • This is a long complicated subject that I do plan to address in future writing. There is a tendency within today’s public religion to reduce complicated issues down to simplicities that are so simple they are deceptive. I don’t want to fall into that. If you want a fuller discussion of this please follow along and join in when I write on it at some point.

    • Hey there, your concern for the unborn is important. I have done some digging in preparation for this election and found some interesting tidbits. You shouldn’t take my word for it and look it up yourself, but here’s the short version. Abortion rates have been in decline since 1990. Surprisingly, they dropped the most during President Obama’s 8 years. Part of this is due to a general drop in the pregnancy rate. Part of it is likely due to Democrats policies regarding welfare, health care, and access to contraceptives. Their platform does indeed include the right to choose an abortion, but their policies, by and large, make it easier for women to choose life. Now is a very important time for we Christians to become heavily involved in our local pregnancy centers that promote life. We need to be giving generously of our time and money AND giving selflessly the love of Jesus. That’s what they truly need but they won’t want it the way it is sometimes packaged.

      • Joyce Lander says:

        Thank you for this. I asked my husband how much have the anti abortion people donated or volunteered at local pro life pregnancy centers. Our local one was suffering due to the pandemic. Luckily his church came through with a large donation. And how many actually realize that overturning RoeV Wade will not make abortions illegal.

  • Mark Collins says:

    Thanks for your sharing about the election. Though I am glad Biden has apparently won, I still can’t figure out why such an outcome was ever in question. The election should have been a landslide repudiation at Trump and his policies – with the church in its vanguard. But it wasn’t. It was close enough to be a four-day nailbiter that really is still not finished.

    I really don’t know how to react to the Evangelicals who seem to despise those who didn’t vote for the president. They tell us we need to repent, that we’re not really saved, and more. Though I too am pretty conservative in my theology, I wonder: am I one of them? Do I WANT to be one of them?

    There are a lot of us, it seems, who feel this way. Thanks for giving us a voice.

    • Thank you. I agree that there are many who feel like this. I have found a support group that resonates with our way of thinking. Still, there are so many who feel very differently. According to the polls, it is the vast majority. It is so hard for me to reconcile.

  • Thank you for writing an excellent article. I can only speak for myself but you very clearly explained what I am feeling from this election. My prayer is that Christians will moved forward and be the leaders in the efforts to heal our country. It’s going to take time and patience on everybody ‘s part.

  • Linda Veltheim says:

    Thank you for putting words to my feelings.

  • Jug Holliste says:

    Very thought provoking. Christ as “servant” seems to be a repulsive concept for many evangelicals today. MAGA has been distorted by the competitive culture warrior mindset which has no room for “losers”. Dialogue becomes impossible.

  • Melissa Wollin says:

    Feel the same way. Thank you for your thoughtful insight.

  • Candace Thomas says:

    I awoke this morning feeling again betrayed by evangelicals who, in my opinion, are destroying America with their outlandish hypocrisy the last 4 years.
    I simply typed in Google “I am angry at evangelicals” and your essay popped up. I read it several times. Honestly, your essay very closely explains my feelings of betrayal.
    I do not know how to remedy these deeply ingrained hypocritical beliefs that are, simply put, killing our country. I will not return to church until I am able to again feel renewed by the experience. I don’t believe it will be anytime soon.
    Thanks for sharing,

    • I feel your frustration and pain and completely relate to it. I am glad you were able to find this essay and that it resonated with you. The church situation is difficult. For me, I felt it was important that my family and I continued attending church but when we moved across the country a little less than two years ago we did end up changing denominations and were very conscious about finding a church that had not prostrated to Trump. I pray peace and healing find their way to you.

  • Unfortunately, rereading this article is deja vu. My non-christian friends and I cannot comprehend the illogical reasoning behind a person who claims to follow the scripture. I have more in common with my moral, non-christian friends than with christian friends I’ve know for 40 years. You’re article voiced my thoughts exactly. I am re-sharing it with my group because I have tried to be a good witness as a follower and it defines my thoughts better than I can. Thank you for your voice.

    • Thank you for your comment. It is sad that we are in this place, but I am glad to see that there are other Christians who feel the same way.

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